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Stranger Songs

by My Fictions

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1.
Mt. Misery 02:54
I left after noon I couldn’t stand to be in this room With all my stagnant dreams and my constant decay I felt our of place And burdened with thoughts of escape Do you know the weight of collapsing into yourself? I find somewhere to run off Route 2 down a bit by the railroad I walked for hours Kept the trail You took my whole day away, Mt. Misery You made sense to me I told no one It was just us Because when you’re feeling low You’ll do anything to feel less alone I thought I found a place I could call home A safe space only I could define A clear head and consideration and feeling low Would feel just fine Oh, how I wanted to climb But Mt. Misery was somewhere I couldn’t find I can’t see the forest for the trees I think your summit sits somewhere inside of me That I have yet to find so I’ll keep searching until I can climb Or if I find the time And if I reach the top I’ll find if I’ll ever not feel alone Or if I’ll ever be happy Or if I’ll ever be allowed to descend
2.
Postcard 01:32
You postcard wasn’t postmarked It hangs right above my bed And photos of you still hide in each drawer of my desk And each time I answer my phone There’s a call I’ll never get It makes no sense I can’t focus anymore I’m dodging landmines in my mind And if I fall into a trap it’s like I go right back to feeling hopeless Instead of just deprived I’m stuck waiting for good news and trying to improve I’m living healthy, but I’m not well And I think I’ve apologized enough times to expose the fact That I won’t ever forgive myself It’s in the stars themselves, I can see them here from hell Years away, nothing ever says – but it hurts It just blooms and burns It just blooms and burns But that’s the way it goes Nothing stays, and it hurts
3.
At the start, I didn’t feel low enough Your bed was unsettling and I was always a stranger Now I’m clawing at my arms Reminiscing to feel something As far down as I’ve ever been and I can’t stop digging I want to draw you down, I need you to feel low like me Because I can’t escape, can’t stop burying But I’ve adjusted well I’ve come a long way from your holy place Hiding below myself Trying to reach hell But now it’s cold in my bed, seeking rest I’m distant again And it hurts to reflect past midnight in an empty pitch-black room The candle burned out I can smell the smoke as I’m cringing through another painful realization Another night sorting out the truth Telling you that I loved you was just another way I disappointed you I know that now when I think about avoiding your eyes I just hate how we died I didn’t say goodbye I’m rejecting all my past standbys No more sympathy for old lies I’m trading “how could you?” For the new “you did what you had to do” I lost sigh I pay the price I’m a dying dog on his way to the shed Staring into the sky Don’t give a fuck what’s next I don’t care Can’t see it
4.
Airport Song 02:52
Midway to Logan I’m anxious at the airport Just buy paper, steal a pen 99 cents at CVS I tucked it in my pocket and I met you on the train I think I scribble on the first page I’ll never look at it again I’ll bury it in the graveyard of moleskins and napkins That I’ve picked up and forgot Busted thoughts Wasted breaths As if I’d ever look back once I checked my bag It all sounds so sad To be leaving for good I said, “It wouldn’t be like that with us” You said, “I believe in you” I’m not wrong for wanting to feel close or feel nothing But it’s not easy to admit that you’re not a good man Because I drove you away with empty words about feeling safe And if I wrote them down, there’s no way I’d find or remember them now Because I shouldn’t go back to the past for help anymore I should’ve said these words the last time that I saw you at the airport And I get nervous when I think about permanence Then I remember that departures have to land again Somewhere
5.
Concern 01:57
6.
Wake Anxious 02:33
I’m getting nervous about leaving again I’m starting over and I’m trying to find what would make this time different How to avoid new triggers and how to not distance myself But all I’m finding are my permanent faults I can never out run them And what I’ve learned is I’m alone This feels like learning a new language A tongue I wish I could ignore I’m forced moving forwards thinking “how many more times will I have to learn?” Is this the cost of moving on? A scorched earth past, I still look back, but how much more will I burn before I engulf myself? Will you captivate me and make me realize what I’ve done? Fall in love with me again and I’ll lose you once more Because I can’t commit I’m too invested in losing all of this Forced to lament and regret everything again I’m tongue-tied and overtired Disappointed again at what I can’t mend I don’t want to move on, but I hate looking back I can’t stay here It doesn’t make sense
7.
Stubborn 01:42
If I seemed easy to ignore, it’s because I just stopped talking I left my thoughts to tend to themselves, it didn’t feel like rotting But this silence this quiet it doesn’t solve my problems, it just enables them I’ve allowed myself to become complacent And now I can’t seem to connect Have I lost you? Or have I lost myself by beating myself down Bleeding weekly in strangers’ basements In stranger places than I ever wanted to go? And now it’s cold again I’m disappointed and tired and low I want the summer songs I want to feel connected but I don’t know how I give up again I’m done trying to change I’ll just retreat to my room and write these suicidal songs That you’ll never read along to They’ll never reach you
8.
Parking Lot 04:03
Finally, I got the courage to speak up today It was a whisper, but it was a sound An effort, which is more than I can say for you I’m sick of watching this house ruin your life There’s too many memories you can’t move from Too many drugs You can’t move on, but can I blame you? How could I blame you? I don’t want to If I didn’t watch her die from innocent eyes Just know I’d be motionless too And now I’m emotionless too But why stay? What’s 20 years? What’s one more day? Just know I fear how that house ruined you would ruin me too So I made a pact today I hugged you goodbye and I told you “to get your shit together” and I left that house for good Now I’m driving around my hometown One hand on the wheel with the other on my phone Writing this all down because it’s the only way I can right now Because although the feeling will stick around The truth is I’ve got no one else to tell this to I’m looking back on what I first wrote “I almost stopped to write this down” I’m a liar I’m in a parking lot right now Christmas eve Wishing things were different I’m a liar I’m not coming home Contrition Who’s to say I can escape feeling this low? I don’t know I tried to remind myself that nothing matters But I can’t It just felt good to hurt again If just for a second I’ve been so let down and distracted for months now And each time I write I asked myself to change but I sit down and the problems are the same But who’s to blame if I’m alone all the time? The burden must be mine I know I can’t change Weighed down by selfishness But this doesn’t sound like guilt This is false contrition It doesn’t hurt anymore to know I won’t change I find comfort knowing no one’s listening No use in hurting or trying to be perfect I know I’m facing the worst and I deserve it
9.
Contrition 02:41
Who’s to say I can escape feeling this low? I don’t know I tried to remind myself that nothing matters But I can’t It just felt good to hurt again If just for a second I’ve been so let down and distracted for months now And each time I write I asked myself to change but I sit down and the problems are the same But who’s to blame if I’m alone all the time? The burden must be mine I know I can’t change Weighed down by selfishness But this doesn’t sound like guilt This is false contrition It doesn’t hurt anymore to know I won’t change I find comfort knowing no one’s listening No use in hurting or trying to be perfect I know I’m facing the worst and I deserve it
10.
Stranger 04:25
Weighed down by the burden of memory Cursed forever by the act of remember that I’ll carry this pain forever Because I was meant to Because I’m disgusted by what I left you to rot to And I can’t help but reflect on loss and love and what I can’t correct Or accept Or neglect I guess You asked me once where the fuck I was going A paraphrase But I remember my reply because I was silence I stood past you, fixed on the floor I couldn’t watch you cry Because I could never stay in this place I’m too attached to leaving someday And looking back just to remember what it’s like to have something Is this the cost of disappearing? I’m never satisfied with what I have left Only holding what could never be held Placing blame on everything but myself So here’s a toast to losing direction and always moving Just not very far I damn myself for failing to love you Because damning’s all I have anymore But I’ll accept the blame now You know I love my mistakes They’re the only way I feel anything This is the cost of disappearing This is the weight of neglect This is the road no one knows how to travel The beaten trail of a million missteps These are stranger songs because I don’t know who I am A bubble burst from the bliss of ignorance Growing older suck with the same questions Why can’t I move on? What have I learned?

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released July 1, 2014

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My Fictions Boston, Massachusetts

emotionally damaged bad boys

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