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Stranger Songs

by My Fictions

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Ryukisai
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Ryukisai Hardcore blackness totalitarianism. Fast-paced, darkness soaked. Great riffs, too short to be boring. Best release in this genre in years!!! Favorite track: Wake Anxious.
Linus Hasselgren
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Linus Hasselgren The best record of 2014, the best record Topshelf Records have ever released, the best record ever. Incredibly dark and frustrated / sad, soundtrack of depression. Favorite track: Stubborn.
Wesley Modderkolk
Wesley Modderkolk thumbnail
Wesley Modderkolk Why didn't I find this earlier? So much time wasted when I could have been listening to this album. Favorite track: Wake Anxious.
James Richey
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James Richey This album is NASTY! ...and by nasty, i mean it in the best way possible. Favorite track: Mt. Misery.
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1.
02:54
2.
01:32
3.
4.
02:52
5.
01:57
6.
02:33
7.
01:42
8.
04:03
9.
02:41
10.
04:25

credits

released July 1, 2014

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about

My Fictions Boston, Massachusetts

emotionally damaged bad boys

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Track Name: Mt. Misery
I left after noon
I couldn’t stand to be in this room
With all my stagnant dreams and my constant decay
I felt our of place
And burdened with thoughts of escape
Do you know the weight of collapsing into yourself?

I find somewhere to run off
Route 2 down a bit by the railroad
I walked for hours
Kept the trail
You took my whole day away, Mt. Misery

You made sense to me
I told no one
It was just us
Because when you’re feeling low
You’ll do anything to feel less alone

I thought I found a place I could call home
A safe space only I could define
A clear head and consideration and feeling low
Would feel just fine
Oh, how I wanted to climb
But Mt. Misery was somewhere I couldn’t find
I can’t see the forest for the trees
I think your summit sits somewhere inside of me
That I have yet to find so I’ll keep searching until I can climb
Or if I find the time
And if I reach the top I’ll find if I’ll ever not feel alone
Or if I’ll ever be happy
Or if I’ll ever be allowed to descend
Track Name: Postcard
You postcard wasn’t postmarked
It hangs right above my bed
And photos of you still hide in each drawer of my desk
And each time I answer my phone
There’s a call I’ll never get

It makes no sense
I can’t focus anymore
I’m dodging landmines in my mind
And if I fall into a trap it’s like I go right back to feeling hopeless
Instead of just deprived
I’m stuck waiting for good news and trying to improve
I’m living healthy, but I’m not well

And I think I’ve apologized enough times to expose the fact
That I won’t ever forgive myself
It’s in the stars themselves, I can see them here from hell
Years away, nothing ever says – but it hurts
It just blooms and burns
It just blooms and burns
But that’s the way it goes
Nothing stays, and it hurts
Track Name: Lower (a selfish song)
At the start, I didn’t feel low enough
Your bed was unsettling and I was always a stranger
Now I’m clawing at my arms
Reminiscing to feel something
As far down as I’ve ever been and I can’t stop digging

I want to draw you down, I need you to feel low like me
Because I can’t escape, can’t stop burying
But I’ve adjusted well
I’ve come a long way from your holy place
Hiding below myself
Trying to reach hell

But now it’s cold in my bed, seeking rest
I’m distant again
And it hurts to reflect past midnight in an empty pitch-black room

The candle burned out
I can smell the smoke as I’m cringing through another painful realization
Another night sorting out the truth
Telling you that I loved you was just another way I disappointed you

I know that now when I think about avoiding your eyes
I just hate how we died
I didn’t say goodbye
I’m rejecting all my past standbys
No more sympathy for old lies

I’m trading “how could you?”
For the new “you did what you had to do”
I lost sigh
I pay the price
I’m a dying dog on his way to the shed

Staring into the sky
Don’t give a fuck what’s next
I don’t care
Can’t see it
Track Name: Airport Song
Midway to Logan
I’m anxious at the airport
Just buy paper, steal a pen
99 cents at CVS
I tucked it in my pocket and I met you on the train
I think I scribble on the first page
I’ll never look at it again
I’ll bury it in the graveyard of moleskins and napkins
That I’ve picked up and forgot

Busted thoughts
Wasted breaths
As if I’d ever look back once I checked my bag

It all sounds so sad
To be leaving for good
I said, “It wouldn’t be like that with us”
You said, “I believe in you”

I’m not wrong for wanting to feel close or feel nothing
But it’s not easy to admit that you’re not a good man
Because I drove you away with empty words about feeling safe
And if I wrote them down, there’s no way I’d find or remember them now

Because I shouldn’t go back to the past for help anymore
I should’ve said these words the last time that I saw you at the airport
And I get nervous when I think about permanence
Then I remember that departures have to land again
Somewhere
Track Name: Wake Anxious
I’m getting nervous about leaving again
I’m starting over and I’m trying to find what would make this time different
How to avoid new triggers and how to not distance myself
But all I’m finding are my permanent faults
I can never out run them
And what I’ve learned is I’m alone

This feels like learning a new language
A tongue I wish I could ignore
I’m forced moving forwards thinking “how many more times will I have to learn?”
Is this the cost of moving on?
A scorched earth past, I still look back, but how much more will I burn before I engulf myself?
Will you captivate me and make me realize what I’ve done?

Fall in love with me again and I’ll lose you once more
Because I can’t commit
I’m too invested in losing all of this
Forced to lament and regret everything again

I’m tongue-tied and overtired
Disappointed again at what I can’t mend
I don’t want to move on, but I hate looking back
I can’t stay here
It doesn’t make sense
Track Name: Stubborn
If I seemed easy to ignore, it’s because I just stopped talking
I left my thoughts to tend to themselves, it didn’t feel like rotting
But this silence this quiet it doesn’t solve my problems, it just enables them
I’ve allowed myself to become complacent
And now I can’t seem to connect

Have I lost you?
Or have I lost myself by beating myself down
Bleeding weekly in strangers’ basements
In stranger places than I ever wanted to go?

And now it’s cold again
I’m disappointed and tired and low
I want the summer songs
I want to feel connected but I don’t know how

I give up again
I’m done trying to change
I’ll just retreat to my room and write these suicidal songs
That you’ll never read along to
They’ll never reach you
Track Name: Parking Lot
Finally, I got the courage to speak up today
It was a whisper, but it was a sound
An effort, which is more than I can say for you

I’m sick of watching this house ruin your life
There’s too many memories you can’t move from
Too many drugs
You can’t move on, but can I blame you?
How could I blame you?
I don’t want to

If I didn’t watch her die from innocent eyes
Just know I’d be motionless too
And now I’m emotionless too

But why stay?
What’s 20 years?
What’s one more day?
Just know I fear how that house ruined you would ruin me too

So I made a pact today
I hugged you goodbye and I told you
“to get your shit together”
and I left that house for good

Now I’m driving around my hometown
One hand on the wheel with the other on my phone
Writing this all down because it’s the only way I can right now
Because although the feeling will stick around
The truth is I’ve got no one else to tell this to

I’m looking back on what I first wrote
“I almost stopped to write this down”
I’m a liar
I’m in a parking lot right now
Christmas eve
Wishing things were different
I’m a liar
I’m not coming home

Contrition

Who’s to say I can escape feeling this low?
I don’t know
I tried to remind myself that nothing matters
But I can’t

It just felt good to hurt again
If just for a second

I’ve been so let down and distracted for months now
And each time I write
I asked myself to change but I sit down and the problems are the same
But who’s to blame if I’m alone all the time?
The burden must be mine

I know I can’t change
Weighed down by selfishness
But this doesn’t sound like guilt
This is false contrition
It doesn’t hurt anymore to know I won’t change
I find comfort knowing no one’s listening

No use in hurting or trying to be perfect
I know I’m facing the worst and I deserve it
Track Name: Contrition
Who’s to say I can escape feeling this low?
I don’t know
I tried to remind myself that nothing matters
But I can’t

It just felt good to hurt again
If just for a second

I’ve been so let down and distracted for months now
And each time I write
I asked myself to change but I sit down and the problems are the same
But who’s to blame if I’m alone all the time?
The burden must be mine

I know I can’t change
Weighed down by selfishness
But this doesn’t sound like guilt
This is false contrition
It doesn’t hurt anymore to know I won’t change
I find comfort knowing no one’s listening

No use in hurting or trying to be perfect
I know I’m facing the worst and I deserve it
Track Name: Stranger
Weighed down by the burden of memory
Cursed forever by the act of remember that I’ll carry this pain forever
Because I was meant to
Because I’m disgusted by what I left you to rot to

And I can’t help but reflect on loss and love and what I can’t correct
Or accept
Or neglect
I guess

You asked me once where the fuck I was going
A paraphrase
But I remember my reply because I was silence
I stood past you, fixed on the floor

I couldn’t watch you cry
Because I could never stay in this place
I’m too attached to leaving someday
And looking back just to remember what it’s like to have something

Is this the cost of disappearing?
I’m never satisfied with what I have left
Only holding what could never be held
Placing blame on everything but myself

So here’s a toast to losing direction and always moving
Just not very far
I damn myself for failing to love you
Because damning’s all I have anymore

But I’ll accept the blame now
You know I love my mistakes
They’re the only way I feel anything

This is the cost of disappearing
This is the weight of neglect
This is the road no one knows how to travel
The beaten trail of a million missteps

These are stranger songs because I don’t know who I am
A bubble burst from the bliss of ignorance
Growing older suck with the same questions
Why can’t I move on?
What have I learned?